Sunday, 4 March 2012

Blog - "Vaginal Customisation"

Well, this is something that I never intended to write about, though hopefully I've come up with a unique twist that will keep things interesting for people. Whether you've heard of it or not, I think the explanation will tell you why I've been trying to avoid writing about it, then decided why it might be worth it to do so. Basically, I'm going to design my own (well, not mine) Vajazzle.

Now, a Vajazzle is a word popularised by an English television series called The Only Way Is Essex. The whole Essex county has recently come to my attention because this is where my new girlfriend is from, which made me think of this, and decide to add a design. The meaning of the word is quite simple: to ensure, using whatever means necessary, that your vagina is dazzling.

Personally, I'd like to see doorknobs. You know, on the lips that you can use to pull them apart, like entering a new room. I'd like to see more lightning bolt pubic hair died luminous blue, and I've always been a fan of a vagina that you can use to open a beer bottle.

I don't get the whole ping pong ball launcher thing. The less said about that the better, so I thought I'd say something about it, just because.

There's not actually all that much you can do with a vagina. An LED in place of the clit, that lights up when a girl is bleeding, could be handy for the less informed or able. You could paint underwear on, like painting eyes on closed eyelids, but that would be rather difficult to mask the fact that there's still a vagina there. Also, if said female shaves, or lets their pubic hair grow, you end up with a very difficult design of thatch.

It's an amazingly gripping part of the body. You can hold a baseball bat in there, I'm confident. A vaginal lava lamp would be interesting, I'm sure.

Obviously, I'm not cruel enough to actually do this to anybody. It would be rather a strange day. Thing is though, I'd always be more of a fan of any of this than piercing the head of my penis with a shiny diamond bar that makes my cock shine like Edward Cullen.

Fuck you Pejazzle. Fuck you.

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